So many people have a tough time apologizing. Apologizing is hard because a proper apology requires three things: admitting you’re wrong (difficult for many), not defending yourself (counterintuitive and counter-instinctual), and not expecting forgiveness (putting yourself out there for no reason is challenging). I give good apologies — I apologize for exactly what was done, give no excuses, and express remorse. This is the kind of apology I want.
Is this inability to apologize due to ego? Is it entitlement? Did no one teach them how to apologize properly? These people don’t really believe that they should have to apologize because they’re not actually sorry.
Many people come from homes where apologizing wasn’t the norm. Not everyone is taught from childhood to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, and they aren’t taught that they are responsible for how those actions make other people feel.
Kids receive modeling for false apologies from parents and from teachers forcing kids to give other kids unwarranted, insincere, or undeserved apologies. No one seemed interested in teaching the objective process and the value of apologizing and reconciling. They just demanded it in a box-checking manner.
A lack of apology is an unhealed wound inflicted on somebody. People should acknowledge their feelings, admit their faults, and offer a solution to improve things in the future, such as changing their own behavior or making it up. Having this uncomfortable conversation benefits both parties.
What may need an apology is a minor insignificant ‘oops’ that is no one’s fault, an honest mistake, or an accident. So often, people won’t take any accountability for their actions and respond with a ‘not apology.’ They may say they’re sorry but then put the blame back on you:
“I’m sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“insert long explanation to justify.”
“I can’t do anything right! Why do you nitpick everything?”
“Okay.”
Even after calmly explaining why one of the above isn’t a good apology, they switch to another one of these options and/or get mad when you point out that their apology still doesn’t cut it. Manipulative people can get aggressive when confronted with not owning up and apologizing. They may respond by saying they already apologized even though they didn’t. Aggressively saying they already said they’re sorry when they didn’t is saying they were never sorry and want you to shut up.
Have you ever had the conversation flipped around on you with someone saying, “I am sorry if you perceived or interpreted XYZ as hurtful” or “I’m sorry you interpreted me doing as hurtful?” It’s a gymnastics level of passive-aggression. They may even twist the lack of apology into a huge argument, saying you hurt their feelings for bringing up that they hurt your feelings (and now you should apologize). Twisted!
If you don’t feel safe or feel like you are being manipulated, this feeling speaks more to the dynamics of the relationship. You should pause and reassess your connection and, if possible, distance yourself from it. But in no way should you lessen yourself as a human for it.
Nice guys will apologize for everything, even things they don’t need to apologize for (belittling the actual meaning behind a sincere apology). Then there are the guys who attempt to apologize by trying to fix things, though this does not register as an actual apology. If you’re upset that they broke the dishwasher, they might fix it and do some extra maintenance work. But the words “I’m sorry” may never come out of their mouths.
The refusal to apologize and/or admit when one is wrong is human. We humans hate to be incorrect, which is also why people often change their opinions after the fact or are very stubborn all the way around. Hell, I can be incredibly stubborn and hate being told I’m wrong, and so can everyone else. But changing what you say when losing an argument isn’t the issue. Refusing to apologize is the apparent problem, but that usually results from them not understanding what makes what they did wrong.
A sincere apology is a matter of taking responsibility. Avoiding an opportunity to apologize is a huge red flag because it shows this person doesn’t care about you. Those who go silent when faced with a mistake and pretend it never happened are silently screaming that you don’t matter to them; only they do.
There’s something worthy about being smart, de-escalating situations, and letting your pride stand aside for a moment. At the end of the day, some battles aren’t worth fighting, and if extending an apology will get you out of there, then so be it.
A good human who can acknowledge his/her mistakes and own up to them. If they wronged another, they apologize. This strength of character shows growth and our best selves by recognizing and acknowledging mistakes. Sure, you may feel insecure about the situation, but apologizing is a different matter altogether. It’s a mark of honor.
One piece of advice that I have found helpful is, when appropriate, to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, if you’re a few minutes late to something, rather than saying, “Sorry I’m late,” say, “Thank you for waiting.” If someone points out a mistake you made at work, say, “Thanks for catching that,” rather than apologize. The words may seem like an insignificant gesture, but they can put a positive spin on the situation and make you come off as a gracious person.
That being said, there are many situations in which you just need to apologize to someone. The world would be so much better if we owned up to our mistakes and just did.
