You both ‘know’ you’re right, but why do some people resort to personal attacks? They feel intimidated because people who feel good about themselves don’t have to degrade others to feel more commanding. Personal attacks may also be situational and vary in degree, depending on their view of the target.
Take a moment to reflect on those in your life who have been mentors. They had this role because they wanted to help you, coming from a place of security in who they are. They didn’t have anything to “prove,” and they didn’t need to force their opinions on you. On the flip side, think about those who have attacked you in the past. I bet this person (or people) has low self-esteem, is driven by anger (perhaps carrying some baggage, too), and feel the need to force their opinions on you.
Personal attackers may also attack depending on what they have to gain—think romantic relationships or a sibling that they think is smaller, weaker, timider, or less aggressive. In a coworker situation, the attacker could feel threatened by the target’s skills, appearance, social positions, class, style, or other perceived commendable traits. The attacker doesn’t want to share the attention and may be jealous.
Attacks may take many forms, such as ridicule, making the target the butt of jokes, back-handed compliments, passive aggression, manipulating words, and criticism. The attacker may also try to turn people against the target to make them feel alienated & awkward, second-guess their judgment/perceptions/instincts, and feel unwelcomed. Unfortunately, those outside this dynamic fail to realize what’s transpiring and listen only to one side, forming an opinion based on the attacker’s inaccuracies.
Reciprocally, a personal attack may be greeted with an escalated reaction by the target. A heated discussion, debate, or argument may ensue. If not careful, communications can get heated quickly. But, believe it or not, arguing doesn’t mean getting bitter or hateful, as you can get your point across like a gentleman. And don’t ever resort to physical violence.
If you’re having a conversation with somebody and you disagree, varying degrees of disagreement can develop from casual to super-heated. I see it all the time in my Alpha M Facebook Group where members disagree but can be super cool about it (actually, quite gentlemanly). But, all of a sudden, a member becomes super pissed and starts attacking other members because they disagree with him. This approach is counter-intuitive. Why? The ensuing debate or argument is to get your point across without tearing the other person (or people in this case) apart, as you can lose complete credibility.
Regardless of the debate or argument, maintaining a respectable image and your relationship with the other person are both much more important. When all else fails, you can always agree to disagree. Ultimately, pick your battles!
When NOT to Argue
- Don’t argue with the stupid & uninformed
- Don’t argue about religion and politics
- Never argue with emotional people because emotion trumps reason
- Never argue with someone who’s been drinking
Proceed fairly and like a gentleman when trying to get your point across. Nothing is worse than engaging somebody in discourse, and then he starts pushing hot buttons & pulling punches. This behavior is absolutely not the way to proceed. A gentleman understands that he can get his point across and express his perspective in a calm, composed, and dignified manner. He plays fair and doesn’t hit below the belt.
Respect what the other person is saying, although you can refute it. Refusing to hear what the other person is saying is entirely ungentlemanly. Hear his point even if you don’t necessarily agree. Ask questions and acknowledge valid points.
This brings me to the point that when you refute, make sure you attack a *point* not the *person*. What drives me nuts is when I hear or see people arguing, and then suddenly, somebody attacks the other person. They may be debating the migration pattern of monarch butterflies when the other person calls the other person a profane name. What in the world does this have to do with the topic being debated? Stay on point, brother! Also, stick to FACTS while avoiding gossip, hearsay, and assumptions.
My next pointer is: do not bring up the past. If you have forgiven the person, please don’t bring up the past. Often, the past doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re actually arguing about. Regardless, do not bring up the past — put it to bed because if it’s done, let it be done.
When engaging in a heated conversation, be sure to listen with an open mind. And when appropriate, admit you were wrong – and then apologize if / when appropriate. So often, we are fixated on being right (or ‘winning’) that we lose sight of the ultimate goal of maintaining the relationship and being reasonable. However, don’t lose sight of being rational. A key to a healthy relationship is how you communicate and how you argue together — the times when you get along are easy!
So, is there ever a valid reason to get in a physical fight? No! I have never been in a fight. Sure, I have gotten into heated situations but nothing that escalated into physical violence. I’ve always talked my way out. It’s a choice, and I am proud that I’ve never allowed my emotions to run wild to get into a fight. Nothing good comes out of fighting anyway. Use you most powerful body part– your brain!
Personal attacks are not acceptable — neither are physical attacks for that matter. But, sometimes it’s okay to agree to disagree, which is okay since a meeting of the minds may never happen. Also, there may be no ‘winning.’ You may not be able to change the person’s mind just like he’s not going to change your mind. So you’ll have to be like, “I see your point, and hopefully, you can see mine. We are going to agree to disagree.” This approach is incredibly mature and gentlemanly, but a gentleman knows when it’s time to walk away.
