I have met a wide variety of men from around the US and abroad while being an image consultant. After a fairly short time getting to know these guys, I hear them talking about being “emotionally dead inside” and “unable to understand my own or others’ feelings.” They are angry and frustrated at the core of their emotional lives and have very low levels of positive emotion. I feel so terrible for them when they disclose these personal thoughts to me. It’s very saddening.
I’d like to think that my sample size is small and that my observations cannot be generalized to the entire male population, but my gut tells me otherwise. I believe there is a male mental health crisis. Your mental health does matter. And I wish I could fix it all for every one of you, but I can’t.
When it comes to men, society’s expectations are that men are supposed to be strong, both physically and mentally. Men are viewed as being the providers and not discussing their feelings. It’s almost as if a man admits that he has a mental illness he is seen as weak. Often men’s grievances are mocked and marginalized. Think about the Will Smith Oscars situation– the internet wouldn’t stop with the jokes.
Fortunately, though, men with mental illnesses have been receiving more attention. As a society, we should be advocating good mental health for EVERYONE. Society is just beginning to take mental health seriously. Mental illness does not discriminate, and just because a male suffers from it, he is not any less of a man. He should receive the same consideration, care, and attention as anyone else.
Mental health is something not talked about enough, and we often sweep it under the rug because it’s not necessarily a comfortable topic. As men, we don’t discuss it because there’s still a stigma around it – aka ‘weakness.’ Men believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness – that we, as men, should be able to handle our own sh!t.
This quote is what I chose to represent me in my senior yearbook. I was at a point in my life where a lot was going on with me personally. It was easier for me to wear a smile, put on a happy face, and be the likable happy guy than to be honest with people and tell them what was going on with me. I had a lot of demons from the turmoil I faced.
That said, I want to talk about dealing with demons because I’ve had to deal with many of mine. I am continuously battling them, and you should also be battling yours. We all have them, and if you don’t deal with them, they could ruin your life.
Life events happen to us to form who we are. Some are good, such as the most significant hardships we’ve overcome, how we’ve lived our lives, and the unique experiences that have made us into the strong, amazing, and beautiful people we are. But some are not so good, and these are what I consider demons. They’re the things that happen to us that negatively impact us and are the hardest to get over. They affect us at a deep level. We can compartmentalize them and even admit we’re smart enough to understand what happened. Still, they’ll pop back out when you least expect them.
These demons manifest themselves in many different areas and aspects of our lives. They could ruin our lives if we aren’t strong and brave enough to deal with them head-on. Honestly, I decided to choose happiness over anger, hostility, and demons years ago. So, I started therapy as soon as possible.
I am here to tell you that we are not equipped to handle many of our demons, and it’s perfectly okay to ask for help. It’s not only okay, but people who seek help to deal with their issues are so amazingly strong and brave — they CHOOSE to be happy as opposed to being HELD DOWN to the sh!t that’s happened to them! They’re the ones that succeed in this world.
In the video “Men and Mental Health” below, click to hear about some of my low points and how my friend Paul’s perspective of mental health has changed over the years. This video will give you some practical tips and support for your mental health.
If you’re struggling and have demons you cannot deal with that prevent you from living a happy, healthy life, I strongly suggest talking to a therapist. They are a tool you can utilize to help you be better – and there’s nothing weak about seeking help. There are different therapists out there — but they are not all great, nor are they all suitable for you. What might work for me might not work for you. And it’s okay. You must try different ones to find the right one because you deserve happiness.
So, why not talk to people you know? When you express thoughts and feelings when speaking to family, friends, co-workers, or strangers, you’ll get advice, suggestions, or opinions in response. This is a form of support and encouragement. This engagement is not therapy.
In therapy (therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers), a professional relationship is established where you are guided to discover motivations to change and solutions to problems. Therapists don’t give advice or tell you to point blank what will “fix’ your problems. Therapists know what questions to ask, walk you through issues while listening better than anyone else, and pick up on cues. From there, therapists can suggest ways to deal with problems independently.
Many therapists are willing to see you for significantly reduced fees, sometimes even pro-bono or on sliding-scale payment systems. I love using Better Help, which is online line and discreetly from the comfort of my home. Talk to family and friends if you want someone to advise you, tell you what to do, and say, “Dude, that sucks! It will get better.” But, if you want someone to provide professional support to actually get better, talk to a therapist.
I consider myself pretty awesome at life, but I am definitely not awesome when dealing with my demons alone. It’s taken choosing to be happy and seeking help to take control. I implore you to choose to be happy — and seek help if you need it.
