I am forthright and honest with those around me. But am I ‘brutally honest’? I am typically fully transparent and give truthful answers because I want to live a moral life and have internal peace with the truthfulness of myself and my relationships. Being honest is the best way to live because there are truly few (if any) reasons to lie.
What is being honest? It’s returning something that’s not yours, doing the right thing, and not being deceptive. Honesty is NOT saying what’s on your mind, regardless of who it affects. Honesty is NOT being unfiltered, insensitive, cruel, or blunt. These are not part and parcel of being honest.
You can be honest AND kind. If you are completely honest with those around you, realize that objective truth can’t be known—you only have your relative experience. That being said, I use phrases such as “I think …” and “I feel…” to demonstrate that I am expressing my perspective. I am an open book with nothing to hide, which can sometimes be uncomfortable. But I have learned to own it and love who I am rather than hiding things.
Honesty is subjective. Pink hair may look beautiful on one person but awkward or unattractive on another. In other words, honesty may depend on your opinion, so choose your words wisely. Further, you don’t have to state your opinion unless asked, so you don’t have to create an awkward interaction, get in the middle of an argument, or ignite a heated conversation.
Also, being straightforward and frank doesn’t mean being rude. You can say what’s on your mind without being brutal. I may answer, “That’s not my style,” rather than “That looks like trash.” And if someone asks how they look, and I don’t particularly care for the look, be honest without being rude. Respond about something you like, such as, “Your outfit compliments your eyes.” The response is not untrue, and I wasn’t brutally saying I hated it.
Let’s take this further: how I respond depends on my audience. Are they more sensitive, for example? Being blunt is not helpful and can be too much for emotional and sensitive people. Giving your opinion all the time, especially when it may sound aggressive or harsh, can overwhelm who’s receiving it.
There’s a significant difference between being honest and using honesty to justify being rude, heartless, or offensive. Words are powerful and can destroy as much as they can heal. Too many people say they were being honest as an excuse for their bad behavior. Honesty should never correlate with being mean.
You want to impact people positively by uplifting them. Many people hide behind, “Nah, I am just brutally honest, and people can’t handle it.” No, bud, you’re just being an asshole. Those who call themselves ‘brutally honest’ are more about the ‘brutal’ part than the ‘honest’ part.
Being honest requires refining communication skills, which is definitely worth it. The world would be a better place if everyone practiced this. Realize that you don’t have to contribute to every conversation or give your opinion if not asked. Being honest and constantly stating your opinion are two separate situations.
I recently read a book called “Lying” by Sam Harris. I’d recommend it if you are interested in a concise yet thorough examination of what it would mean to always tell the truth. Harris describes telling the truth as having an intellectual respect for the person you’re dealing with. You respect their opinion(s) enough to give them the truth and trust their judgment enough to be confident they aren’t resenting you for telling it straight.
The challenge is people who do not take the truth well; therefore, a completely transparent relationship is inappropriate in that case. Some might interpret the truth as a personal affront, and others with whom a close or equitable relationship is impossible. In other words, those whom I respect and am close with get the unvarnished truth. Still, sometimes, I hold back from people with whom I am confident aren’t going to benefit in the long run from transparency.
Hard truth can be exhausting to give out and to take. Instead, aim to be genuine. Don’t say it unless you mean it, and don’t emotionally engage when the effort isn’t worth it. Being transparent and putting it out there 24/7 sucks because you have to care to some degree about every single interaction and every single thing around you.
Just like ‘white lies’ that keep from hurting people (“you look great in that suit” when you are actually on the fence about it), ‘black truths’ can hurt people (“well actually, your friend looks better in that suit than you do”). If what you are saying isn’t helpful, useful, or kind, don’t say it. The truth is better than a lie, but intent also matters. “Discretion is the greater part of valor.” Sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut.
I make a point of being honest and transparent, but that doesn’t mean I express every thought that pops into my head. Remember, it’s not what you say—it’s how you say it. Be rigorously honest with yourself, first and foremost, and find the truth in any situation.
