No matter what decade of life you’re in, if you genuinely feel like you don’t have many friends or that you’re outgrowing them, the good news is that you’re evolving. The bad news is that to facilitate the friends that you genuinely want, you have to be intentional with becoming the man that you’re meant to be. When you do that, the right friends will find you.
My senior quote from high school said, “I always wear a smile because anything else would make me have to explain what you didn’t understand.” From a very early age, I did not allow myself to be vulnerable, which caused me not to have many friends. I had many acquaintances who would consider me a friend, but for a friendship to thrive, you need to be vulnerable and not put on an act.
I was so worried about not burdening people or showing that my life wasn’t perfect; I was incredibly insecure and never allowed myself to connect and get close to people. A lot of the people that I grew up with did not understand or know about my struggles and hardships. Often, we’re so concerned about fitting in that we don’t share what’s troubling us or affecting us, and as a result, we truly do not get close to others.
As I moved to different schools, I never maintained relationships with people with whom I grew up. And in college, I self-isolated. I never developed a network of friends in college, as I lived by myself. When I moved to Atlanta, I didn’t know anybody, but I did make some acquaintances in the fitness and nutrition world. I was friendly with many people, and I learned a lot from them, but nobody really considered me a ‘friend’.
Over the past 20 years, I haven’t done a good job of facilitating and developing friendships. I often talk about outgrowing people, but what if you outgrow everyone? And then combine that with never being close to people who are your own age.
When I became an entrepreneur, I was surrounded by many people. Many people knew my name, and I was able to be social, but I never really felt a connection. I didn’t have a nine-to-five job, and I didn’t have any kids. I didn’t have that network of parents and people that you see at soccer games and similar events. I never developed a network of friends or a circle of friends.
Currently, the people who are considered my friends are those who would be there for me in times of need. These are the people whom I would call if I needed to bury a body in the woods. I have a few people in my life who would do that. Often, men struggle to be honest and let their guard down, making them vulnerable. They talk about sports or the gym, and it’s all very surface-level. You need to go deeper, and that’s when true friendships and bonds happen.
Many friendships are formed out of convenience. These are people we grew up with, go to the gym with, or work with. We become friends with people who are around us. But when you don’t have a circle around you, you cultivate a tribe. We oftentimes confuse social interactions with social media and friendships. You think that you can connect with people online, and that’s the same thing as friendships. It’s wildly different.
Over time, sometimes friendships run their course. Sometimes you don’t want to pretend anymore. You want to be comfortable with who you are and who you’re not, and that affects who you hang out with. It’s liberating not having to engage in pointless conversations with certain people.
Action steps if you want better friends
- Be more intentional with who you befriend.
- Be vulnerable and stop having surface conversations. I’m not saying lay out all your baggage. You have to work into it, but you have to have mutual trust and emotional connections.
- Be the friend that you wish you had. Relationships require nurturing, so you need to invest time in them to maintain the energy and check in periodically. Be intentional with keeping up with people.
- Cut out toxic people or others who don’t bring you value. Don’t waste time on people who don’t matter. They may not be bad people, but they are not right for you or where you want to go in the life that you want to live.
